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Stupid Things Said On Cans...


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Hey guys and gals...


Just had a thought while I was spotting the most boring show of my life tonight, whats the sillest or most stupid thing you've said on cans, or heard.


Just to start us off....


(Me, While Followspotting, and struggling to keep up!) - Stay still you stupid bloody woman....


Do continue...



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DSM: Standby.... your man

(crew breaks into song)


it went downhill from there.


Then there was the time the circuits accidentally got switched, and the SM delivered his less than positive opinions of the show over the backstage relay. Atmosphere was a bit frosty after that. Note my clever use of the third person there :P

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Or maybe not said on cans.

Just before a youth theatre show I was informed that they would have someone in the audience to film the show and operate a sound effect or something. When I say just before the show technically when the house manager is just giving clearence it IS just before the show.

Any way said person had about as much warning as me about his duties during the show so would need to be cued by the stage manager. When I say stage manager I mean a mate of the group whose act required this oh so important effect from the auditorium. When I say act I mean the hasty re hash 4 people had to do when they found out that the guy who wrote the piece couldn't make it because it clashed with auntie Dorrisss birthday party that night.

Yes yes yes I am getting on with it.

So cue music when I have to rush around to get a set of cans from backstage. Start music.... down the stairs out the auditorium.....run round backstage.... push backstage door open... wait for kids sitting in doorway to get out of the floor... go to sound cupboard.... wait for kids to get out the way of the cupboard.... grab cans and a handfull of cables hoping that the law of averages means you have the correct type.... music still running?.... repeat above process but to include shouting to remind people that sitting behind doors is not a good idea..

Back in the auditorium give cans to video guy aleady plugged up. Give him the 20 second £5 cans lesson. Hand him cans with the XLR to go into the sliver box on the wall. The only silver box on the wall that side of the auditorium.

So start show, things going well video guy very quiet. Manage to get someone sitting by me to tell the video guy to press the press to talk button. Video guy waves to me indicating yep he has done so. Anyway comes to his cued part SM gets a little frantic when it doesn't happen. Audience don't seem to notice the hole in the act.

Finish show go over to the video guy to find out if I gave him a duff set of cans. Look at pack to find that he had plugged the XLR into the loop through XLR socket.

Hummm strangely this combination didn't work.



Maybe I could have written this in 4 lines.....

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Me: (On followspot, to SM Dave) Dave? Mr Bl....


Dave: Quiet on cans!


Me: Dave? I said, Mr Bla....


Dave: I said quiet on cans, no more chatter!


Me: Dave?!

Dave: That's it - I need quiet on cans to follow the action!


Me: Dave, the stage is on fire.


*Sound of SMs Cans hitting desk*

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Another AmDram SM... her daughter was on followspot at the time:


Dylan is the one man I'd have an affair with...he's f**king gorgeous...listen to that voice....
(you get the idea)


Her daughter was 10, and found her dad in the interval to pass on what she'd heard.... (yes I do have to work with 10 year old girls on followspot!)

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A few years ago doing 'Buddy' at Manchester palace the U.S. slider operator was attempting to open the sliders when they stuck. 'I'm jammin' I'm jammin' said the operator, only to have the flyman reply 'Who are you, Bob Marley?...'

One more; recently on a show we had a big flys sequence, just taking out mid stage blax and a BP screen when the conduit in both caught on the fire fx gas pipes and some cables on the stage. As we were trying to sort out the bending conduit and snapping gas lines the DSM comes on (following a message from the ASM on a different cans ring) and tells me there's a problem with the blax..... No sh*t Sherlock! :P

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